My heart is more open here than it ever has been before. I feel whole, I feel loved, I feel heard, and I feel seen. After my second meditation here, I shared with the group that I kept feeling like I needed to cry during our meditation and asana practices, but it wouldn’t come and I felt like I was trying to pull it out but it was like the scarf-pulling circus act that never ends and I couldn’t get out whatever it was that was stuck. My teacher said to just notice it, not yank it, and let it come as it does. It has poured out of me in waves, sometimes crashing and sometimes gentle. I’ve felt anger, loss, resentment, love, fury, rage, forgiveness, sadness, hope, light, & every other emotion. I’ve had people tell me my truths and I’ve felt my own truths more deeply. I’ve prayed with God and felt love pour into my heart. I’ve screamed, I’ve laughed, I’ve sobbed, I’ve smiled softly. I’ve waded in the shallow places of my soul and dove into its depths, and I’ve ridden the ebb and flow of my heart’s stories. It’s been a deep purging and cleansing, and I feel so much more pure and ready for my life and love to live and breathe through me.
The other day during meditation I held each person I’ve felt anger, resentment, or rage towards in my heart. I saw their faces, one at a time, and named the things that had hurt me, then I asked God to take my anger and rage because it does not serve me or the world. Sometimes I had to ask several times until I felt it. Then I’d ask God to create a new space in my heart for that person – one in which they were held in love, light, trust, and strength. Again, sometimes I’d have to sit with it for a while before I felt it. It was one of the most beautiful and profound meditations I’ve had and I feel so much lighter. The deep anger and sadness I’ve felt for so long doesn’t feel like such a heavy burden anymore. I’ve given it to God, and I’ve felt nothing but love in return.
Tomorrow morning I’ll be taking my final exam – teaching a class focused on opening the shoulders, which allows us to open our hearts and surrender. I’ll be reading a poem from Rumi that ends with this phrase: “Try something different. Surrender.” Friends, I have tried something different. I’ve opened my heart. I’ve surrendered. And love and light have blossomed there.
I am so grateful for this journey and for the people who have accompanied me along the way, and also for the people at home who have held me in love and prayer while I’m here. I’m so sad to leave in a few days but my heart is so wholly empty – so vast – ready to go forth in the world to embrace life and share love and light wherever I go.